Horoscopes for April 10, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! You are one day closer to death.  Say “YAY!”  Go eat your cake. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) We’re not in a real talkative mood, but we are bound by oath to give you your horoscope so, here goes it… There is a guy named Bill who will destroy everything you have worked for over the last few weeks.  Don’t trust him near you, your work or your family.  He’s a psychopathic dirtbag.  Oh… and your toilet’s gonna stop up today.  The plumber’s name is Bill… don’t worry about him, that is unless your project has to do with the bathroom. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You are going to become wealthier than you have ever imagined…. too bad it was only in Mafia Wars. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You are entitled to have an extra dessert, but just because you’re entitled, you don’t have to eat it.  Your butt and your gut are already too large.  Push away from the table and hit the treadmill you fatty fat fatso. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Your eyes are beginning to turn brown because your so full of it…  try being honest with yourself…. go back to the mirror and realize that your clothes are atrocious and then go find a friend who won’t keep lying to you and will help you pick out some new wardrobe choices.  You really shouldn’t shop at that store anymore…. that associate is really not helping you, she’s laughing at you uncontrollably! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Pick up a pen and start making a list of the things you don’t like about yourself.  You’re probably gonna have to run out for more paper. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will notice a difference in the way people treat you today.  You won’t be able to figure out why.  We’ll tell you tomorrow…  we’re gonna have fun with it today, though. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) There’s something stuck in your teeth that you won’t be able to get out.  Don’t smile today.  There probably won’t be any reason for you to, but just in case, don’t smile. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Forget what you were told when you were a child.  There is a monster in your closet and he’s gonna get you when you least expect it.  He just moved in last night and now you know… and as G.I. Joe said… knowing is half the battle. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Today is a good day to watch cartoons.  You should do so. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You will show everyone why you were a passenger on the short bus when you were a child.  Congratulations! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Think about the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen… really… close your eyes and imagine it…. Now open your eyes and get back to reality so that you can go about your everyday existence and know that you’ll never be able to attain that beauty in your lifetime!  You are just an everyday ordinary average Joe and you should only try reaching for attainable goals.  Don’t keep setting yourself up for such disappointment. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Something in your house wreaks.  Clean up a little… we came looking to raid the cabinets and we couldn’t stand the smell.  Thanks for nothing, Oscar Madison!]]]]> ]]>