Horoscopes for April 11, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Lower your expectations and your birthday is sure not to disappoint. Embrace aging and cake. All your dreams (provided they involve a group card and/or a gift certificate) will come true. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Good fortune shines on others leaving you twisting in the wind. It is never too early to go back to bed. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You forgot something. Luckily you can still can’t remember. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You’re missing the mark. Move over. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Healthy eating habit fall by the wayside when confronted with general anxiety over finances. Balance your checkbook and order salads tomorrow. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Awesome day today. Try not to blow it by worrying about your future. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Bad relationship advice is coming at your from people who have had too much therapy. Let calls ring into voicemail. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Avoid left hand turns across traffic. You are a magnet for oblivious and stupid people. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You are almost out of clean socks. Don’t sweat laundry. Just buy more socks. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Fill up your gas tank before you go home. You will forget to leave early and be short on time later. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Your boss is especially stupid today. Smile and nod. Stay silent. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Stain Fairy is out to get you. Do NOT wear white. Avoid eating or drinking in the car. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Don’t eat fish–especially if you are really, really hungry. The odds of choking to death are higher than normal today.]]]]> ]]>