Horoscopes for April 12, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Don’t cry. You aren’t that old. Well, really, you are. But, still don’t cry. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Grab a good friend and watch some chick flix. If you aren’t a girl, do it anyway. We know you have feminine tendencies. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You will fall in love with a mysterious stranger. To bad you were the only one that could see said “mysterious stranger”. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Try as you may, you just can’t get a head today. We suggest going to a department store and stealing one from an unsuspecting mannequin. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Remember what we said about salads today? Scratch that and have a burger. Diets are overrated. Plus, you could use the protein for the battles you will face this evening. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) A bird will land on your shoulder. This is such a rare occurrence that you will mistakenly think that it is good luck. Call us after you get home from the ER. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The big bad wolf will huff and puff and blow your house down. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) No matter what you think, people do love you. Or, rather they love you in your absence. You will never know this, though, because the love ceases when you come near them. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Your laziness over the sock issue from yesterday will come back to bite you in the butt. Enjoy the athlete’s foot from wearing 2 week old socks. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Today will be a day of fun, excitement, success and contented relaxation for everyone but you. Sorry. Libra (September 23 – October 22) We love it when we get to tell you what a great day you will have and how much you will remember today. This is not, however, the case today. Avoid going in public. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Once upon a time… Whatever, you are waaaayyy too old for fairytails. Life sucks. Grow up and get a real job. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Once in a while you come up with a brilliant idea! Too bad you have come up with so many lame ones that nobody will even listen to you anymore.]]]]> ]]>