Horoscopes for April 13, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Did you get that thing we sent you? Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You totally get the shaft today, Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) An annoying customer service rep will repeat the same thing over and over again. Luckily you have time to think of irate speeches to a manager while you’re on hold. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) At least pets and babies find you somewhat amusing. Well, not really, but they can’t speak up. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will mysteriously injure yourself in your sleep. You are getting old. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Eat slowly or the Heimlich Maneuver is in your future. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your co-workers will think they are particularly wacky today. The won’t be. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) People will choose to stand in front of what you want to buy at the grocery store. No matter what aisle you go to, they will be there–just standing there. Some will shop. Others will just be obliviously blocking your way. Leo (July 23 – August 22) An old crush comes back and crushes you some more. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) A friend you barely like will pitch another hissy fit. Pretend to not notice and wander off. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Long-winded rambling voicemail messages coming at you all day. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Your losing streak is about to end. Keep gambling. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Oh the horror!]]]]> ]]>