Horoscopes for April 14, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Being old is cause for celebration today. Timing is everything. Embrace your ability to still control your bladder!!! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) The desert of discontent is upon you. Drink more water. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Fancy restaurants are not on the menu today. Stick to diners and drive-thrus to get the best value for you dollar, but stock up on high quality bathroom tissue. Rough seas ahead. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Do NOT order anything with mayonnaise. You have been warned. Just don’t. Maybe some good stuff will happen, but it won’t matter if you don’t take the advice on the mayo. Aries (March 21 – April 19) The mood-swing monkey is on your back today. 1-2 cups of coffee = happy. 3-5 cups of coffee = rage. Six or more = hysteria. A movie alone is a good idea. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Good news will come via Email. Don’t forget to check your “spam” folder just in case. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) An unsightly blemish appears today. Your patience is being tested. Don’t pick. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Water weight will mysteriously fall of you in your morning trip to the bathroom. Go prepared… you’ll be there a while. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Someone will try to trauma bond with you today. Keep conversations short or be prepared to do unwanted favors. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) All your friends will be in crisis today. Get out your psychiatrist pad and carry tissues. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Catching up on your sleep will not only leave you well rested for tomorrow’s excitement; it will also help you avoid the boringness of today. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Today you are likely to drop the ball. Keep the ball close to the toes of your enemies to lesson your pain. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You are attractive to others today. It’s not your personality… it’s the way you smell… they all want to know what you did to smell so good. Just don’t let any of them know that you took your monthly bath. ]]]]> ]]>