Horoscopes for April 15, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! You’re one day nearer to the grave.  Celebrate.  Have a Margarita… for breakfast… you’ll need it to deal with everything that will come your way today. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) It’s time to party like a rock star!  Here’s the perfect recipe… take off all your clothes and go find a fountain to swim around in…  no fountain?  Go find a kiddie pool and fill it up with water.  Scream the word “Attica” while the cops haul you off!  You’ve just had one hell of a day! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Where are our peanut butter crackers?  You took them.. we know it.  We demand to have them returned to us or we’re not giving you your horoscope! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Go fly a kite.  No… we’re serious.  They say it’s gonna rain today and we’re telling you that it’s a great idea to take advantage of the winds. Aries (March 21 – April 19) It’s a good day to watch John Wayne movies… it’s either that or go to work… which one would you prefer?   We thought so.  Just don’t watch The Cowboys… he dies in that one and it’s really sad! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) We noticed that you’ve been trying to write a book.  Put down your pen.  You are not, in any way, shape, form or fashion, author material.  To be a cunning linguist, you must have some sort of natural talent.  You haven’t found yours yet.  Neither have we, but we’ll let you know when we figure it out! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Beware of the breaking wind.  It will blow when you’re in the elevator and you’ll be trapped with it! Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Get more toilet paper.  You’re gonna eat one of those things at RiverFest tonight and you’re gonna pay for it later. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Our vision is a little fuzzy today but it looks like you’ll be meeting a man in uniform.   Hopefully it’s not the cop who’s setting up that speed trap on your way to work. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Hey.  We found out what you did and we’re not happy.  So what if it was the right thing to do!  You’re not the one who was supposed to do it.  Just for that, you’re day is going to be rather drab and gloomy.  We hope you learn from your mistake and consult us before doing something like that again.  When will you learn that we know what is best for you and we will always look out for you. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Bring donuts! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You should probably learn the following six words:  “Would you like fries with that?”  That question will take you a long way in your new career! Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Sell your house.  Buy a minivan.  Park it near the Mississippi River.  This way you can proudly claim that you “live in a van, down by the river.”  Maybe it’s not the best life, but we know of at least one motivational speaker who did so for a while and things worked out OK for him!]]]]> ]]>