Horoscopes for April 17, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Yay! Good for you! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Don’t think that you have escaped the faeries of stuff you can’t control. It’s all going to rain down on your head today. Sorry. Not really. But, still. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) All we have to say is, “Bless your heart”. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) We took care of the mess you left. If we did our job correctly and we always do, you will never know anything about it at all. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You only have to believe! Go ahead, reach up and scratch the monitor. Do you smell the fresh eggs and bacon we cooked for you? No? You have no faith in us and that just breaks our heart. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The sun will come out tomorrow. And so will you. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The winds of change will come along and blow you away. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You should take up break dancing. Oh, what? There’s no actual breaking in break dancing. Well then , nevermind. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You should start a new club. We are sure many people will join. All 5 of you facebook fans. It’s a start! Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The journey of a million miles begins with you getting up off your lazy butt and going to the refrigerator and getting another cold beer. Libra (September 23 – October 22) There is no try, only do. Except when you sit on the potty today. There you will only try to dodo. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You had a dream about Eskimos last night. We think it means you should quit your job, move to Alaska, and become a fisherman. Yes, even if you are a girl, you are still a fisherman and not a fisherwoman. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Don’t you feel silly now?]]]]> ]]>