Horoscopes for April 19, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Have a coke and a smile! There won’t be much to smile about, but enjoy your coke. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Once there was this little rat. He was a very nosy little guy. Once he stuck his nose somewhere it didn’t belong and got stuck to a sticky paper and he starved. Follow us? Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You will not know which end is up by the end of the day. Pick the least smelly option. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) If you get the urge to eat everything in the house, go ahead! You can deal with the self hating regret tomorrow. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will never again feel the way you will feel today. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will spend the day putting out fires and starting others. Choose your bridges wisely. You may find yourself stranded on a deserted island. You are smarter than that…right? We’ll send help in 2 days. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your new nickname, after today, will be Courage. Kinda like big giant guys are always called Tiny. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You are a ball of yarn at the mercy of one angry kitty today. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Remember to take your umbrella today. No, it isn’t going to rain. Bird activity has been heavy near your job and, just for today, we thought we would be nice. See we do have a heart. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) If the cute guy across the hall asks you out, refuse his advances. The stars predict that for one day only you will be lively, vibrant and full of spunk. If you go out with him today, you will have to forever be this person and you know that your couch will be very lonely without you. Spare hurt feelings and stay home with Ben & Jerry. Libra (September 23 – October 22) If you think that your plans will work, think again. Just because you looked up a few things on the internet, it doesn’t make you a rocket scientist. Go put everything back in your neighbor’s garage and settle for your honey-do list. At least you’ll live long enough to get yelled at for not completing it. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) That thing that looks like a pimple but is not a pimple will spread by the end of the day. You should prepare by grabbing one of the kid’s old Halloween masks and saying it’s “Pretend it Halloween Day” and shame all of your co-workers for not celebrating your favorite holiday. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You know how everybody always says “Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst”? We say that’s a bunch of horse poopie. We are sure the electric company will understand that you needed a much deserved week of personal ‘you’ time.]]]]> ]]>