Horoscopes for April 2, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! You should begin writing a book.  Call it “Make Money by Pressing Buttons: An Instructional Guide to Tele-Collections”  Use the pseudonym Bilko Lecter.  We want 20% Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) The rumbling in your stomach is just gas.  There is no cause for alarm, except for those around you.  You should work in solitary today. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Talk loudly today.  People will take pity on you and stand farther away, which is – of course – a very desirable thing for you. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Gardening is not your forte’.  You’ve forgotten to water the aloe plant in the kitchen for the past six months.  Don’t you realize how many people could have benefited from that little plant?  You are so self-centered, that you can’t remember to water a simple, little, defenseless plant.  What if it was a tomato plant?  Betcha would have watered it!  That gives you food. What about all those burn victims that need aloe?  Don’t you care?  Why don’t you just go dig a hole in the yard and plant pansies?  At least they might have a chance at survival and then you’ll have taken a step towards making amends for your lack of forethought!   Notice that I said that it’s only a step.  You’ll need to grow another aloe plant or twelve to truly make up for this, but baby steps are good… for now.  Jerk! Aries (March 21 – April 19) There was something big we were supposed to tell you about.  We can’t because we wrote it down in the powder from the donuts, but Gerry sneezed and it was lost to his wind!  Sorry. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) We just wanted to let you know that you are beginning to grow hair on your back.  Beware when using depilatory cream.  It has a tendency to run when you slather it on too thick and that could cause unprecedented pain.  Just a warning. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You missed three items from the list on the manual you picked up yesterday.  The plans have not changed, but your ability to carry out the plans has been called into question.  We are wondering if you are as mentally gifted as you think you are.  We’re giving you another chance. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) There are strange things afoot in your life.  You’re noticing that your feet have begun to smell horribly bad.  It’s nothing new, except for the fact that YOU are beginning to notice.  Here’s something you should really take notice of…  The intensity of the horrendous odor is inversely proportional to the number of friends you have in your life.  Two words:  Talcum Powder. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Bob will show up in your living room.  Try ignoring him.  Maybe he will go away and take his cat with him, probably not, but it’s worth a shot. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) We just wanted to point out one of your idiosyncrasies that happens to irritate your mate.   You stick your tongue out of the side of your mouth when you are reading the computer screen.  Stop it, maybe your relationship will survive. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Compared to yesterday, today will seem awesome, right up until you step outside the house.  There is a huge pile of animal poo right beside your car door.  You won’t notice it and then you’ll slip and fall in it.  You’ll be late to work and have to explain your accident to your boss.  They will tell every person they come in contact with and people will point and laugh at you all day long.  Your best bet is to call into work and spend the day on Facebook.  The animal poo will be dried enough to brave heading out later tonight! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Give it up.  You won’t get much pleasure out of it, but your life will be much easier.  If you don’t know what IT is… we can’t help you. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You have an important task for the day that is necessary for the survival of the human race.  You must not smile today.  No matter if you hear the funniest joke you have ever heard.  There will be an incredibly beautiful person who will be uncontrollably attracted to you if you smile.  I know that this sounds like it would be great, but what you don’t know is that the physical beauty of the person is all that is beautiful.  What lurks inside their soul is evil… plus… if you aren’t smiling, then they’ll notice that co-worker of yours that you can’t stand and will ruin their life and not yours.  BONUS!]]]]> ]]>