Horoscopes for April 20, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! This day will suck, but slightly less than every other day in your life.  Consider yourself lucky! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You will never collect the debts from those who owe you.  You’ve wasted enough of your life trying to collect… either call Guido and his goons or just give it up… preferably the latter… are they really worth having to call Guido and dealing with cooking all that pasta? Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) What would only annoy some really angers you.  That’s because you’re not a really good person.  You should work on that, not that it’ll help, but it’s worth a shot!  It’s either that or you could just live your life like a hermit! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Remember this tip for your next trip… take a large water bottle… it will help sate your thirst and then will help save time by eliminating a bathroom stop. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You’ve heard the phrase “the early bird gets the worm,” right?  Why would anyone want to catch worms?  Yuck.  We see our humans give their dog pills to keep worms away.  Why get up early if it’s gonna give you worms.  Sleep late and you’ll avoid this unseemly condition! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Idiots… they were everywhere yesterday… they’re back today and you’ll be inundated with their presence.  Try as you might, you won’t be able to avoid them.  Exercise logic with what you say to them… it will confuse them and, after a period of time, make them less comfortable being in your presence. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Where are your keys?  You’ll need to ask yourself that question today or you’ll have to call a locksmith.  We’re just sayin’! Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You know those two lines that run from your nose to your upper lip?  They have a name… they’re called philtral ridges… they form the borders of the philtrum….  You’ve learned something today… now that we’ve accomplished teaching you something, we should tell you that you should keep a Kleenex handy…  you’ve got something nasty looking in that area right now and we see it coming back in your immediate future! Leo (July 23 – August 22) Here’s something that you can do to make your life more interesting.  Order something from an online retailer…. pick the longest shipping time.  You really need something to look forward to and this would be a temporary fix for your temporal problem. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Press that button that you’ve been wondering about.  It will open a magical door in your life… Libra (September 23 – October 22) Let it all hang out today… but, please, don’t take photos… we don’t want to see it all hanging out! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) There are strange smells emanating from under your bathroom sink.  Be careful.  We heard that there might be a CHUD on the loose. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) While most people are awaiting the arrival of the Easter Bunny this weekend, you’ve been dealing with the “better-luck-next-time bunny” all week long… feed him a Cadbury Creme Egg and pray that he leaves.]]]]> ]]>