Horoscopes for April 24, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  You’re sharing it with Easter.  Put on your bunny suit and scare small children for fun.   This could turn out to be the best day you’ve had in years.   Think of all the chocolate and candy that you’ll be able to take out of their baskets when they run away from you! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Oh happy day.  Celebrate.  Drink heavily. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) This is the last day you’ll have to sit in your own stench.  Everyone you know will bring you soap, water and brillo pads to scrub yourself with. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Wow.  You really are as weird as everyone said you are.  Sorry.  We’re not able to help you today… we’re on a chocolate high and thinking of you brings us down… way down! Aries (March 21 – April 19) Charlie Brown’s head is round… Most chocolate is colored brown… Last night, you painted the town… today you will wake up on the ground…  Smile, it’s all uphill from here. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Human beings like you are content to wallow in their own self pity, but today you have the chance to change your entire existence.  Find someone who you find attractive and tell them of your feelings…. either you’ll be surprised at the reaction you get or you’ll be put back into your place, but either way, you’ll be taking a very important step in the right direction. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Many a tear has to fall, but it’s all lots of fun when someone else is crying! Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Be careful today.  There will be many dangers lurking around just waiting for you.  Be especially wary of barbecue grills.  We’re just sayin’! Leo (July 23 – August 22) We cannot see your immediate future so well right now… we think it might have something to do with the fact that we ate four bags worth of Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs, but we’re not sure.  Sorry. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) How many chocolate bunnies will you eat before you begin to feel better about your life.  Here’s a good idea.  Get up off your rump and give the bunnies over to us…  go to the gym and walk it all off… we’ll be waiting on you… most likely running around crazily because of all the chocolate, but waiting nonetheless. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Thank you for reading this.  That’s all we’ve got to say to you… thanks! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Tomorrow will be better than today.  Today won’t be as bad as yesterday.  Things are looking up.  Good for you! Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Find your inner peace.  Go back to bed.  Today’s just not gonna be worth the trouble.  You’ve got a family get-together scheduled that is only gonna be more stressful and dysfunctional than usual.  Take our advice and call the fam and make up an illness.   Tell them you’ve gotten E-Coli – Salmonella – Bird Flu – Sarcoidosis (nah… take that back… not Sarcoidosis… it’s never Sarcoidosis… or Lupus either) Just tell them that you’re puking and you won’t be there.  Blame it on too many eggs!]]]]> ]]>