Horoscopes for April 25, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  This year is shrouded in mystery, but luckily you aren’t particularly curious so it won’t bug you much. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Think positive… so you’re only a three… relate that to the “New York Scale” A three in New York is a ten in Vicksburg. You’re looking on the bright side of things! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Anxiety has you in a Full Nelson. Tap out! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Your mind is in the gutter, but luckily the head carrying it is looking good. People will find it charming for a little while, then they’ll turn on you. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Make sure to use mouthwash. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Everyone’s stupidity is on the rise, including yours. Be careful what you say today. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) A mysterious stranger has a crush on you, but remember to do a background check. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Check your zipper and your shoes before exiting public restrooms. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Your day will be filled with happiness, many boring moments, one crushing disappointment, and some mild embarrassment. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Easter Bunny skipped your house this year, but sent the Senseless Chatter Fairy. We would appreciate it if you just try to be silent. We’re sure that everyone else would appreciate it, too! Libra (September 23 – October 22) Thank you for reading this.  That’s all we’ve got to say to you… thanks! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Pretend to be better than you are. You might just fool somebody special today. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Your full-o-crap meter is well-tuned and highly functioning. Today is a good day to cast judgment on others.]]]]> ]]>