Horoscopes for April 29, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Go buy a sombrero and dance a little jig. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Today you should run around naked. Ok, that was a joke. Walk. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Why ask why? Cause you NEED to know! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Yahni believes that you are his only true love. Yahni will not give up…ever. Hope you like sleeping with sheep. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Think of all of the starving children in some country that we can’t spell and you can’t pronounce. Now, suck it up and eat your veggies. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You can’t see the forest for the trees. There is danger right there in front of you. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Forget Paris. No. We mean it. Forget Paris. Forever. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) There is no Arizona. We know this to be true. We heard it in a country song. And we all know that country songs never lie. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Have fun trying to explain how the car ended up on the roof of the neighbor’s house. They will not buy that you have no clue. You had better get to work making up a really good excuse. And, no, your imaginary friend can’t bail you outta this one. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) This is the day that you will summon all of you before undiscovered courage and actually cross the street. Wow, you are suck a big boy. But, at 35, if you keep running up to people to share you recent accomplishment, you will end up with some nice bracelets to commemorate the occasion. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Do you have the time to listen to us whine? No? No horoscope for you! Ha! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Please buckle your seat belt and make sure your tray is in the upright and locked position. Prepare for takeoff! Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Thanks for playing. There are no parting gifts for today. You knew you’d get the shaft, right?]]]]> ]]>