Horoscopes for April 3, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! We just wanted to make sure you knew. We know how forgetful you are and we didn’t want you to miss your special day. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Today will be a banner day for you. We’ll reserve from telling you what the banner actually says. But it is a banner and it is meant for you. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) This is the perfect opportunity for you to get to know yourself a little better. Especially since your friends all ditched you and went off to have fun with out you. Poor baby. We’ll get you a tissue. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Go to the store and buy all of the things you want. Who cares about food and toilet paper. Buy yourself a nice present for just you! You’ll regret it later, when you are trapped on the toilet, but live it up for now. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will finally get up to speed at the end of the day. Until then, try not to flood your engine. You know that you can only do so much. Well, most people can only do so much; you just do what you do. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You neighbors are having a big party tonight. No, you aren’t invited. Go over when things get going good and share your displeasure at have not been invited by throwing your body against the door and crying loudly until they answer. When they do, say, “Oh, are you having a party? I’m sorry to bother you.” Score! Free party! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You know that it won’t work out. No matter how hard you try or how much you change, it just won’t happen. All the crying and screaming in the world won’t change the fact that you can’t put a square into a round hole. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) This is the first day of the rest of your life. It will suck just like yesterday. Big surprise there! Leo (July 23 – August 22) Bend the rules today. It’s ok to chill on the couch all day and let the beer cans pile up on the coffee table. It’s perfectly fine to leave your socks and shoes in the floor. Relax. At least until 6 when you wife comes home. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) We have the overwhelming urge to tell you the whole truth and nothing but the truth. We want to be completely open and honest with you. Never lie to you. But we know it would all be a ploy to gain your trust just to snatch the football right out from under your little feet. So, we’ll continue to pump you little brain full of crap. Nothing new here. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Summertime is closing in on us really fast. Don’t you thing you should prepare for warm weather. Start by getting some sun and uhmm, maybe knocking down that forest that has grown on your legs. Lumber prices are good right now. You could get paid for your efforts. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Go out into the world and conquer today! So what if it only conquring your fear of the other side of the road. You are making strides in the right (at least some) direction. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You won’t be able to shake the feeling that someone or thing is following you. And you shouldn’t, because it is true.]]]]> ]]>