Horoscopes for April 30, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Shout it from the rooftops! Oh, look how little everyone looks. Spit on them and hide quickly! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Beware of all the birthday idiots that are standing on their roofs trying to spit on people. Let em slide. It’s their birthday, wait and see what we get you to do. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) When you finally get up from the computer, get some water. Your dry crackly skin tells us that you need it. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You need a new outlook on life. Run out the The Wal-Mart and get some new shades! Aries (March 21 – April 19) Tiny microscopic aliens are burrowing their way into your brain. If you begin slapping yourself, call us so we can come film it. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Young kangaroos will be attracted to you today. It doesn’t matter that you aren’t in Australia. Their frequent flier miles will have them on your doorsteps in no time. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Friendly ghosts will play pranks on you all day. How else can you explain the fact that you keep losing your beer. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Thunder normally means rain. Today it means kitties. Yay, kitties. If you happen to be allergic, oh well, who cares; It’s raining KITTIES! Leo (July 23 – August 22) Hello New You! You look strangely like the old you, but you smell better. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Time your actions precisely. One micro second off schedule will prove disastrous. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Darn your luck. Just darn it to somewhere where it can no longer be seen or heard. Darn your luck to Arizona. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Planetary alignment dictates that we tell you something nice. Ok, here goes, You will be alright at something that you may actually attempt to do today, maybe. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Thomas, don’t do it.]]]]> ]]>