Horoscopes for April 7, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! There are a lot of things that you could do to be productive, but it’s your birthday… wouldn’t your time be better spent trying to capture those important moments from your childhood that you missed?  Here’s the first thing you ought to do today… try going the whole day without needing to have your diaper changed.  If you can do that, then we can work on the rest! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Poof.  You’re a glass of tea.  How’s that! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) There are ten things that you need to know to get through the day safely.  The names of the seven dwarfs and then Donald Duck’s nephews.  If you can remember that, you’ll be fine. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) There is nothing in your nose except your finger. Aries (March 21 – April 19) The power went out and when your VCR came back on, it had the wrong time.  Do what’s popular, blame Bush – he’s the one who changed Daylight Savings Time.   By the way… why do you still have a VCR.  Most everybody who joined this century has already upgraded to DVR and DVD!  Stop programming your ancient equipment and get with the program! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Utilize the time you have left in this realm wisely.  Tell people how you really feel.  The time is drawing near. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) One more thing… when you run, it’s probably a good idea to skip the Snickers bar… you’re defeating the purpose. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You will have that taste in your mouth all day.  Better get used to it. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Either you stayed at your desk all day yesterday or you refused to do that favor we asked you for.  For that, we’re withholding the horoscope until Marguerite gets her pickles and milk!  Just in case you did stay at your desk, YOUR horoscope is different than every other Leo…  You will be rewarded today.  You will be given a vacation from your job.  They know that all you did was sit at your desk and they’re not happy.  The Boss wanted to tell you that you were crazy for listening to a bunch of rats and the stupid horoscope that they write, but he was advised against it by the company lawyers.  What does he know.  He’s not a psychotic… PSYCHIC… rat! Virgo (August 23 – September 22) We apologize for offending your sensibilities.  We were lashing out.  You’re not stupid.  You’re a little slower than most people, which is why we’re typing this so slowly.  Here’s your horoscope…  Your day will be filled with disappointment, but you’ve learned to take it well.  We’re proud of you for acclimating! Libra (September 23 – October 22) Eat.  It’s important.  The journey you are about to embark on will require much.  You’re gonna need to build up your fat reserves.   Eat like five gallons of ice cream and a whole mess of those cupcakes from Sweet Baby’s!  That’s a good start. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Your will feel the overwhelming urge to hug a reporter today.  It’s ok.  It’s just your mind and body being in alignment with the universe.  It’s “Hug a Newsman” day.  That’s why you feel this way.  IMPORTANT NOTE:  When you go to hug your newsman, please ensure that you don’t have any weapons AND that you bring them chocolate. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Two mice are fighting over the little nook in the back right corner of your love seat.  You really should speak to them and let them know that there’s room enough for the both of them.   We are rats and we can’t speak mouse, otherwise we would do it ourselves.  Thank you!]]]]> ]]>