Horoscopes for April 8, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Drive your tractor through town.  See how many honking horns you can hear!  Good times! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Learn to whittle.  It will come in handy in the months ahead.  We’re confident that you will need this skill.  Start off with trying simple shapes and work your way to more complicated ones.  One day, in the not too distant future, you will find yourself needing to sit on a porch while wearing a straw hat and whittling.  It will make you feel less stupid if you can actually produce something that people might appreciate. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Fridays are like any other day, with the exception that it brings you a peculiar excitement.  This can be a problem today.  Act normal and everything might go off without a hitch.  We’re kinda fuzzy on the details.  We’ll text you if we figure it out! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Asking for forgiveness is easier than asking for permission. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will find yourself in need of a “snatchback” today.  We don’t really know what the real name of the part is, but a “snatchback” is that chain with a spring on it that snatches your screen door back into place. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Call your friends and tell them how much you love lasagna and how excited you are about getting to eat it tonight.   They’ll think that they forgot about taking you out to dinner and you’ll get a free dinner at their expense.  It may seem a little low, but you have bills to pay and the economy is kicking your aspirations in the rear and your friends all make more money than you.  This also means that you’re their friend in low places. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The person that touched you on the arm yesterday was trying to get your attention for a reason.  They weren’t some touchy-feely stranger, they were trying to tell you that you had toilet paper stuck to your shoe.  Thank them when you see them today.   By the way.  Check your shoes…  you’ve got gum on the bottom of them. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You will read something that is so funny, you’ll diddle on yourself. Leo (July 23 – August 22) The early bird might get the worm, but the person who has the last drop of Mezcal gets a better worm and won’t have to worry about the early birds! Virgo (August 23 – September 22) We have been kinda brutal in the last few days.  Sorry.  We have been trying to give you some tough love and now realize that the lesson is lost on you… With that in mind, here’s your horoscope:  Today you should breathe in, breathe out, blink your eyes, drink something, go to the bathroom (number 1 and number 2) and eat something.  If you can accomplish all of that, then we’ll start working on other things! Libra (September 23 – October 22) Duck! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Norway.  You’re welcome! Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) There will be piles of poo all over your yard today.  Step carefully.]]]]> ]]>