If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Your day will be swell… oh.. wait… your ankle will swell. You should watch where you step!!!Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Grab life by the horns today. That will soften the blow when life runs you into a wall.Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) For those of you Aquarii who are reading this, you should prepare yourself for the awakening. Those who are not reading this will be left unprepared and will be considerably dumber than you tomorrow.Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Take the chance to steal away from your desk at lunchtime. Just remember that everything that you take will be logged into evidence and presented at your trial.Aries (March 21 – April 19) Climbing the ladder of success really sucks when people cut the rungs that you’re climbing on.Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will have a very intense feeling of dread in the early afternoon. That feeling will arise from the fact that you are ill-prepared for the day at this point in time and there’s no more time to ready yourself. You should’ve started yesterday.Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Cramps in your big toe on your right foot will make you walk funny. Don’t wear sandals or any other open-toed shoes and you may be able to get rid of the cramps sooner rather than later.Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You are completely out of excuses.Leo (July 23 – August 22) If crying is a sign of weakness, then you have about as much strength as a newborn has control over his head.Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You will begin your day walking on two legs and end your day on all fours. You shouldn’t drink so much.Libra (September 23 – October 22) Clap or you’ve got it.Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Your visit to the church this past Sunday will pay off when the lady down the street brings you a casserole. Hot dog… no more Ramen for dinner!Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You are a human being. Act like one!]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.