Horoscopes for August 19, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  You will feel trapped inside yourself.  Break free of your own chains, but be careful that you don’t fall on your birthday cake. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Put some pep in your step… get you a can of Red Bull or something… you’re incredibly slow today and we’re already ready to yawn! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) We’re so sorry that you didn’t experience the awakening.  We did and we’re thrilled.  We are definitely smarter than you today, but we feel like that’s not much of an accomplishment…. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Be glad that your secret got blabbed all over facebook.  You can finally be free of that horrible, horrible weight. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Congratulations!!! We didn’t realize that you were so important. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) So… you slept through the worst of it.  Go back to bed and sleep through the rest of it. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your workplace will have a 40% increase in productivity if you decide to call in sick. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You are still out of excuses, but there’s always tomorrow!!! Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will suffer a paper cut in the mid afternoon… and we really do mean suffer… Dang, those things hurt! Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Blah, Blah, Blah…  It’s always the same thing.  Sun comes up, get ready for work, work, go home, sun goes down, go to bed… Maybe it’s time for a vacation. Libra (September 23 – October 22) The nose knows.  We’re just sayin’! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Your television is making it harder for you to see things in the real world. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The toilet will be your closest friend today!]]]]> ]]>