Horoscopes for August 2, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Beg for mercy as you get your birthday spanking.  They like it when you do that. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Peel any fruit before you eat it.  Especially bananas. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Find a reason to breathe.  That’s it…. now keep thinking about it until the breathing becomes like second nature. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) When someone asks you to pick a card… any card… tell them you picked the nine of diamonds then punch them in the gut for being so cheesy. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will… no matter how much you say you won’t… you will. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Stay away from chocolate.  It will be your downfall today. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Eat all your vegetables and don’t even think about drinking a V8.  You are being monitored by someone who likes people who eat their vegetables.  You could make a good impression and it could change your life. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You will find the cure for nausea today.  Just before you present it to the doctor, you’ll get a case of nerves and puke your guts out.  The doc won’t buy in to what you discovered. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.  Lucky you! Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You did not try to scare anyone last night.  This means you are a loser and don’t deserve a horoscope today.  Come back tomorrow and see if the stars think any better of you. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Your choice in clothing for today is pretty good, but may we suggest that you not wear that knit.  It’s like 4000 degrees in the shade and you’re thinking about wearing a knit top… You’re either nuts or you work in a freezer.  Just because it’s stylish does not make it right to wear. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You had another planet move into your sign and your stars can’t see you.  Jupiter is really big. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Find a pony.  You will need it for the next part of your quest.]]]]> ]]>