Horoscopes for August 21, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  There is a light within you.  Since when did you think it was a good idea to eat a light bulb? Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Grab everything that is dear to you and put it in a suitcase.   Keep that suitcase in your trunk.  This afternoon may bring a need to get away quickly. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Passing a kidney stone the size of a dime may be less painful than the events of this evening.  There is no way to prepare. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Plan for your future with the knowledge that you will not live forever.  We know what day is stamped on your file, but you don’t need to worry about that right now.  Just be sure that you start planning pretty quickly. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Engage people in conversation and listen to what they have to say.  Doing this will give the appearance that you actually care about other people and will throw them off the fact that you are actually a narcissist. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Your idea of a good day is beer and barbecue.  We can’t argue with that. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Moving forward at this point in time requires that you know how to do the Moonwalk as good as MJ did it.  That way everyone else thinks you’re going backwards, but you’re actually moving in the direction you need to.  It’s called a distraction, and it will work as long as you don’t look behind you to see where you’re going. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Driving your car for a long distance is not recommended today.  If you need to travel a long distance, just drink copious amounts of alcohol and then call the people that were expecting you and tell them you’re drunk.  You could actually play drunk on the phone, but it’s more fun to actually be drunk! Leo (July 23 – August 22) Your restaurant experience will be absolutely horrible today.  The family of twelve is gonna stiff you and you’ll forget to add the gratuity to the ticket!  Plus, the baby’s diaper is going to leak out into the high chair. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) When thinking about the coming week, your eyes will begin to hurt.  The pressure inside your head will increase.  It’s just stress and you can rest assured that your head is not going to explode. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Telegraphing your next move is your downfall.  Stop doing it. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Power is not your strong suit.   LOL… Power… strong suit…  HAHAHA!  That’s funny!!! Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You will wake up feeling a little foggy.  The fog will begin to clear as the day moves along.   Look it’s like a weather forecast.]]]]> ]]>