If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Your attempts to pry yourself away from well-wishers will be successful. As a matter of fact, there will only be one well-wisher, so you won’t even break a sweat getting away from them.Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Pour yourself into your work. It will take your mind off of how truly miserable you are.Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) We hope that you are well after yesterday’s incident. Today will be better, not much better, but better nonetheless.Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Comparing yourself to your partner’s past companions is only going to leave you feeling inadequate and slightly jealous. You should avoid that.Aries (March 21 – April 19) Play your cards right and you could come out on top. You’ll need to bluff your tail off because, like always, you’ve been dealt a bum hand, but the game is winnable if you keep your game face on.Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You had way too much beer and barbecue yesterday and have lots of gas today. Avoid human contact.Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Pressure is mounting for you to perform well. Be careful not to crumble under the weight.Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Raise your hands if you’re sure!Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will experience partial paralysis of your face without having a Botox injection. Look on the bright side. People pay lots of money for the effects of Botox and you got it for free.Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You will have the urge to watch Robert Redford in Jeremiah Johnson this evening. Ask yourself if you’re willing to commit that much time in front of the television.Libra (September 23 – October 22) People will be blowing their horns when you are driving today. Your car has an issue and won’t be able to go faster than 30 mph. Stay off the interstate.Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You’ve been counting sheep to go to sleep. Tonight, you will be awakened by a nightmare. All the sheep you’ve been counting are repeatedly chasing you over the fence.Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You will finally get the nerve to call the people who own the Lay’s Potato Chip company and tell them that you did eat just one.]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.