Horoscopes for August 24, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Congratulations! Your day will go exactly as planned. Too bad you didn’t have more forethought in your planning. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Today is a great day for you to count the flowers on the wall. It won’t bother us at all. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You will slip in and out of various stages of being awake today.Make sure you know for sure weather you are awake or just dreaming before you go spouting off your mouth. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Start with lather, rinse, repeat. If that doesn’t work, just burn it down. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Blame Ralf for all of your problems. That’s what we do. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Nobody can take away your confidence. You can, however, chose to give it away. Chose wisely. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Speeding may land you in jail today. You will be the envy of the jailhouse, though. Everybody will be impressed that your old jalopy could go that fast. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Maybe you should think twice before putting that apple on your head. We are sure that you have had worse ideas; we just can’t think of any right now. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Say yes to that new job. We know you will hate it and that it will make you miserable. But, your landlord will be happy. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Go sparingly on the compliments today. If you blow up everyone’s heads, they may think twice about hanging out with the likes of you. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You should spark up conversations with any strangers that stop long enough to listen. Keep the conversations light. how about quantum physics? Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) A guy named Giuseppe will try to hand off a suspicious package to you later. Accept it, but just throw it in the trash. Do NOT sneak a peek. Trust us. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You will bump into a group of storm troopers later this evening. Didn’t we tell you that it was a bad idea to keep a bottle of vodka in your desk.]]]]> ]]>