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Just Plain Fun

Horoscopes for August 29, 2011

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If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Clap your hands and your lights will go off.  Someone got you a clapper and installed it secretly. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Behold the power of the stars.  Not the ones in the sky.  The ones on TV.  They’re gonna do something today that will completely amaze you, causing you to be late to work and probably lose your job.  Power. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Give in to your desires.  Have that last cookie.  It’s alright.  Your waistline isn’t going to get any smaller anyway. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) It don’t matter at all where you’ve placed your bets, California’s a brand new game. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Curl up in the fetal position and cry.  Your boss will be much more forgiving about missing that deadline if they think you’re having a nervous breakdown. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Your mom always told you “Waste not, want not.”  You didn’t listen.  We know what was in your trash last week! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Press your luck.  It’s a good day and there are no whammies in sight. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Your left arm is much more tanned than your right arm.  Maybe you should try driving from the passenger seat this week to even the tan out. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Your friends will start blocking you on Facebook.  As it turns out, the photos you sent to that special someone actually went out to your entire friends list. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Narf?  Really?  You are going through with your plan, knowing full well that we think it’s insane?  OK… but don’t say we didn’t warn you when you’re in the hospital. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Your insurance agent will look at you and say, “I told you so!”  That’s when you’ll realize that you are at rock bottom! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Gargle.   Your breath stinks.  We think that you may have a cat living with you that you don’t know about because your breath smells strikingly similar to a litter box. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) We have good news and bad news.  You will make the meeting you are headed to… that’s the good news.  The bad news is that the meeting you are headed to is the wrong one.]]]]> ]]>

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