Horoscopes for August 3, 2011

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If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Celebrate by writing your name everywhere. You know what the old folks say about fool’s names and public places.Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Try to not be too negative. It’s a hard job for you. You might not be able to pull it off.Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Believe in the power of unity. You better. It takes a while for crazy glue to wear off.Pisces (February 19 – March 20) That is not the brightest idea you ever had.Aries (March 21 – April 19) Nobody will believe you even if it is the truth. You might as well think up a believable lie and pray nobody questions it.Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Just because you wear a chef’s coat doesn’t make you a chef. You had better just settle for the drive thru.Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Maybe you should reevaluate the whole “Queen of the Universe” title you have given yourself. You know you are way too lazy for that much work.Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You were thinking about a visit to Washington DC later this year, but the current situation leads you to believe that you are smarter than everyone there, and for once it looks like you’re right.Leo (July 23 – August 22) Sleep will be a cunning temptress. Always near by, but unable to be touched.Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Don’t you hate it when people say, “I’m just saying”? Better just get used to it today. It seems as though everyone has fallen in love with those 3 words.Libra (September 23 – October 22) Let nature take it’s course. Gone are the days of the bearded lady being a side show freak. Grow it long and braid it.Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Have a cookie. You have been good for far too long without a reward.Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Winter may seem like a long time away. But it really isn’t. Don’t you think you should be saving up your nuts?]]]]> ]]>