Horoscopes for August 31, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Year after year, you make that same silly wish. Give it up already, you are never going to become a fairy princess and ride off on a pink unicorn. Everybody knows unicorns are not pink! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) In the midst of what would have been a mild disturbance at work, your big mouth will create a full blown scandal. We will start trying to come up with a catchy name to add “-Gate” to. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) We know how hard it is to quit. You just have to know when to throw in the towel. You will know when you have bit off more than you can chew. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Little blue birds of happiness will follow you around all day today. And every time you stop for even a second, they will poop on your shoulder. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will discover that you have inner potential that you never knew about. Use your new powers for good and not evil. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Horray! It’s Friday! Wait. Sorry. False alarm. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You are getting very sleepy. Verrryy Sleeeeppy. Oh wait. We got our jobs confused. Insert another quarter for your horoscope. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Free you mind and the rest will follow. Cliché enough for ya? Leo (July 23 – August 22) Join the band. You know it has always been your life long dream. Doesn’t matter that you have had all of this time to actually learn to play an instrument. Don’t let anybody question your drive and ambition. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Nobody likes a winner. Wait. That’s not right, everybody likes winners. Oh, nobody likes a whiner. Like you, you big baby. Suck it up and go out there and show them what you are made of. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Let your inner child come out and play for a little while today. Make him really happy and spring for a lollipop. Don’t worry about the calories. It isn’t for you, it’s for your inner child. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) On your way home, right after you pass that tree, around the big curve, slow down. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Hand over all of your inhibitions today. Let your freak flag fly high and proud.]]]]> ]]>