Horoscopes for August 5, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Today is John Merrick’s Birthday as well. He was the famous man behind the character “The Elephant Man”. Be kind to strangers, or his spirit will strike you with a temporary case of the disease that he lived with his entire life. Just a side note: Temporary is such a vague word. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Beware. People are pretending to be your friend so they can plot against you. These plots may seem minor affairs, but their simplicity is deceiving. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You can always pretend that today was nowhere near as embarrassing as it actually was. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) If you try to explain yourself too much people will only lose interest and walk away like they normally do. Go for the Cliff Notes version. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Why on God’s green earth did you ever think that would work? Every time you try to do something new to impress somebody else, you end up in the ER. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The stars know that you are ultimately up to no good. They will act against your plans. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Many pointy objects will find their way into your life today. Stock up on band aids. Go for the cute cartoon ones. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Tomorrow is International Halitosis Day. This is not a day of celebrating, it is more of an informational, awareness raising holiday. So, to make a long story short, go brush. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Now that you are all grown up, don’t you wish you had actually listened to anything anybody told you along the way? Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You will suffer terrible gas today. The board meeting will run about 2.5 minutes longer than necessary. Ooops. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Calling in with Anal Glaucoma is not advisable today. There has been a resurgence of old rehashed jokes. Your boss heard that one this week already and knows exactly what it means. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) In the interest of fairness, we should tell you that your neighbor rigged a not so nice trick for you. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Keep your opinions to yourself. Nobody like a complainer.]]]]> ]]>