Horoscopes for August 6, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  It’s also Saturday, which is a much better reason to celebrate!  Woohoo… it’s the weekend!!! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Does it feel like somebody’s watching you?  It should. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You are ready to make a run for the border.  Make sure that you’re stocked up on toilet paper first! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Have you noticed that spot on your left arm.  It’s not really been worrying you…. that is until now.   It’s probably nothing, but you might want to get it checked out. Aries (March 21 – April 19) When you think about what’s going on in your life at this point in time, try not to feel so discombobulated.   It’s not good for your mental health.  Breathe deep and make sure that you have that can of pepper spray with you at all times.  You never know when you’re gonna need it. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The stars know about your condition.  They are aware of the conspiracy against you.  A well-placed clove of garlic will protect you from further harm. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Find your inner child.  The best place to look is in the toy department at Walmart.  Be careful.  The employees will ask you to leave if you start riding the bikes in the store. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Both of your big toes will go to sleep at the same time today.  This will cause you to walk funny.  It’s best not to go anywhere and just hang out on the couch. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will receive a call from a strange person who will apologize for urinating in the pool when you were kids.   The call will end before you get a chance to find out who the caller is.  We don’t know either.  Make sure that your caller ID system works. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) There are no fewer than fourteen people with plans to take your job.  Start looking over your shoulder when you’re at work.  You will need to find their weaknesses to fend them off. Libra (September 23 – October 22) It’s Saturday.  Go outside and bake in the sun or sit in front of the DVR and watch some recorded television, that is the question.  We’ve got a better idea.  Stay in the bed and spend some quality time in the dark.  Turn the air conditioner extra low, too.  That will make the day much better. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You will need to ensure that you have plenty of breath mints on hand today.  The people who talk to you today will be invading your “personal space bubble” and that bad breath of yours will need to be disguised!  Someone that you talk to could actually change your life for the better… and let’s face it… you need to make the most of that because opportunities just don’t come your way. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) For your information, we do actually interpret what the stars tell us… just because we can actually hear the stars instead of just looking at them and trying to figure out what they’re trying to say by reading the twinkle as Morse Code like that fake fortune teller person at the mall doesn’t mean you have to be such a non-believer.  You’ve hurt us with your lack of faith in what we say and we just want you to know that we’re a forgiving sort of family.  Here’s your horoscope: You should spend a large amount of money on PowerBall tickets today.  The reward could be magnificent.]]]]> ]]>