Horoscopes for August 7, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Make this a lazy day and take time for yourself.  You don’t need to spend time with those who love you.  They will understand what you are doing and, frankly, will be thankful that they don’t have to worry about whether or not you’re gonna have a breakdown about the birthday thing.  Live it up alone today! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Your phone is not what you think it is.  It’s a tracking device that the government has planted so that they can keep closer tabs on you. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) The life of the lemur becomes strangely attractive to you today.  Are you sure that you’re not addicted to National Geographic Channel? Pisces (February 19 – March 20) A constant in your life will cease to be so constant.  Somehow, it’s all your fault. Aries (March 21 – April 19) A walk outside today will bring you the unfortunate circumstance of being in the right place for a well-timed bird dropping to fall on your head.  Wear a cap. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) There is something about the new body wash that makes you strangely desirable to almost any animal except humans. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Go find a magazine… any magazine… make sure that it’s halfway intelligent though….  Go to the mall and sit on the benches near the theatre to read your magazine….  someone will come along who will strike up an interesting conversation.  They might actually invite you to go see Cowboys and Aliens, too. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Stop whatever it is you are doing and go take a shower.  You stink really bad! Leo (July 23 – August 22) Did you remember to take out the trash?  We think not! Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Power chords are the easiest thing to learn when you’re beginning on the guitar.  Put that little bit of knowledge in your brain so that you’ll have access to it when you need it.  That’s it…  nothing else to see here… Libra (September 23 – October 22) You will have a nocturnal uprising… meaning that you will spend more time in the bathroom this evening than you will in the bed. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The term “wardrobe malfunction” came into the American lexicon shortly after the whole Janet Jackson Super Bowl debacle.   You have inspired the term “wardrobe dysfunction” to be nominated for addition. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You didn’t win the PowerBall?  Darn the luck.  We felt good about having you spend so much money.  Please say that you still have enough to pay your bills.  If not, it looks like that fortune teller was a bit more expensive than you thought!  We told you that you should have had faith in us!  We give good advice for FREE!]]]]> ]]>