If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Have a coke and a smile. That’s all you’re gonna get.Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Scream random directions to people today. They will think that you are reading their minds cause they are all lost.Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Chocolate is good for all of those around you today. Chocolate makes you calm. Everyone can deal with you being calm.Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You should never bow again. Everyone will agree with this after you ripping your pants and showing off your tighty whities.Aries (March 21 – April 19) Don’t worry about that guy’s sanity, worry about how your safety is directly related to their sanity.Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Believe in the power of change. Rolled tightly into your fist, it makes a powerful weapon.Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Just because you have a cool monogram on your shirt, it doesn’t make you a hero. You look like an idiot, go change.Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Have you ever though about the adverse reactions that you receive from other people? No? Carry on then.Leo (July 23 – August 22) Forgot the trash again.Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Hang your head out the window and moooo at any cows you may pass. You will feel better for having done this.Libra (September 23 – October 22) You may actually get some sleep tonight, if you have appeased the beddie-by fairies.Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) How can dysfunctional be a bad thing? It has “fun” right there in the middle of it!Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Stop complaining and buck up and take your medicine like a man.]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.