If today is your birthday: If you’re not a freaking tard, you will prevail.Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)Don’t you love that wonderful feeling of accomplishment? Oh, sorry, you’ve never felt it.Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)Enjoy the weekend, Monday has big plans for you.Pisces (February 19 – March 20)Blue is definitely your color. Hold your breath and lets see how it looks on you.Aries (March 21 – April 19)Snuggle in and read a good book. There will be way too many idiots braving the roads today. Taurus (April 20 – May 20)You are a poor cheerio trapped with a bunch of fruit loops.Gemini (May 21 – June 20)See, I told you unicorns are real! oh, wait, that’s just a pimple.Cancer (June 21 – July 22)Victory is yours! You will get the correct end of the trash bag on the first try.Leo (July 23 – August 22)Having scurvy does not make you a pirate.Virgo (August 23 – September 22)You should do the “quotes” gesture in the air whenever you talk today.Libra (September 23 – October 22)You danced like no one was watching. We saw you and filmed it.Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)Support bacteria it is the only culture some people have.Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)Just a little info for future reference: Breathe right strips on a dog’s nose is not a good idea.]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.