Horoscopes for February 21, 2011

If today is your birthday: While rifling through a box of your old things, you will find a strange pin. As soon as you touch it, you will be transported to the planet Zebulaneon. We are under a gag order and cannot tell you anything about the Zebulaneonans. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Smile when you meet people on the street. Nobody would guess that your hemorrhoids are the size of small melons. You should win an Academy Award. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) If you fart in public, look at the ground and yell at your imaginary dog for embarrassing you in public. Whew! Another loud obnoxious public scene avoided. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Don’t take today laying down. Instead, stand on your head. If you do this, we would love to hear about your experiences. Once you regain consciousness, please call us. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Monday’s tend to get a bad rap. Everyone complains about the weekend not being long enough, Monday traffic is the worst of the week, Monday stole my wife and took the dog. Well, today Monday will live up to it’s reputation and more. This will be the Monday by which all other Monday’s are compared, judged and found wanting.  Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You’re gonna get worked up in a tizzy, rinsed and repeated. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will have a fine and dandy day. No one will ask and you will be sad. This is probably the last time you will ever experience those two feeling at the same time. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The left-over pizza is in the fridge, if you catch my drift. Leo (July 23 – August 22) A sudden out-pouring of emotion from a friend will catch you off guard. Never mind the fact that she will attempt to use your sleeve to wipe her nose. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You will be invited to a family gathering soon. You will meet a rally cute girl and she likes you. We need to stress that this is a Family gathering. Keep that in mind and your spot in the will is secure…until next time. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You should stand up and be a man. I hope you know see that being a lazy bum has not worked out exactly as you had planned. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You have a magnetic personality. You should exercise extreme caution around the fridge, old cars, hardware stores and knife factories. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Today you will have to bite the bullet and … add each egg one at a time and beat slowly. Oh, sorry my brain switched to the cooking channel.]]]]> ]]>