Horoscopes for February 22, 2011

If today is your birthday: We have a new diet plan for you. If it dances or sings on the television commercials, it is bad for you and should be avoided at all cost. Can you imagine how much room all that movement takes? Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Don’t skip dessert with your lunch. That will be the best piece of banana pudding you will ever taste. You will spend the rest of your life slowly going crazy, searching aimlessly, trying in vain to recreate the dish. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) There is a thin line between comedy and tragedy. You are going to be so far over that line, you won’t even be able to see it. Guess which side! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You will suddenly realize that you know absolutely nothing about anemones. Google will barely begin to cover your thirst for knowledge. After leaving the library, you will rush out to get a tattoo of an anemone on you arm to show your true love. Aries (March 21 – April 19) After today, at long last, draws to close, sit and reflect and ponder this: “The grass is always greener over the septic tank.” Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Don’t go to sleep while watching CSI. Through a long chain of strangely related events that we can’t even begin to make your merely mortal brain comprehend, you will hear a loud noise and believe you are under attack. This will end up with certain parts of your body having to be blurred out on the 11 p.m. news report. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Chinese is a good choice for lunch today. Skip the fortune cookie, however. Those things are just rip-offs. they never even come close to giving you your real fortune. Who would believe that ridiculous stuff anyhow? Cancer (June 21 – July 22) An incredible amount of your time will be wasted on the Gummy Bear Song. You will not be happy with just watching it once, you will need to watch every version ever created. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You should spread your wings and fly! Editor’s note: We the editors are positive that the rats meant the previous statement figuratively. We will not in any way be held responsible for people who actually think that they can fly. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Just a little to your right. Now up a little. No, back to your left. Right there! Libra (September 23 – October 22) Understand this sentence completely you will. Nerd. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You need to work extra hard to control that little spark of insanity. It may catch hold and burn the crap out of you. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) That constant whisper in your ear doesn’t mean you are going crazy. It is probably aphid eggs hatching. Don’t you feel better?]]]]> ]]>