Horoscopes for February 24, 2011

If today is your birthday: Never cry wolf. People instinctually hate whiners and completely ignore them. You should, instead,  sing in your best opera voice that wolves are drawing near. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Start the day by planting both feet firmly on the ground. We’re afraid that today will be the day that they activate the tilt-a-whirl feature. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) When your boss gets all heated up and asks if you think he is a idiot, keep in mind that it is probably a rhetorical question. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Carry around a bag of glitter everywhere you go. If you see someone with a frown, throw a handful at them and shout, “The fairies wish you well!” Aries (March 21 – April 19) All of your co-workers will be fill with ridiculous questions. It is a perfectly acceptable response to scream, “Do I look like Google!”   Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Standing on one foot is all the rage. If someone asks you what you are doing, tell them to get with the program and hop away. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Speaking of getting dipped in flour and deep fried, aren’t you hungry? Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Have you ever ever, ever in your empty-headed life seen an empty-headed redneck with an empty-headed wife? Leo (July 23 – August 22) There is no problem too big or complicated for Dr. Horrible. watch the movie. If you need more clarity, watch it again. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Sudden or jerky movements will provoke the ire of the invisible entities that share our realm. Move slowly. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Your high school English teacher wants to be friends on Facebook. It is best not to accept. We hear there is an app coming soon that would allow you to slap someone. Do you think those two would mix well when you throw in your grammar skills. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Make sure you aren’t zigging when you should be zagging. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) If you experience stress, you should tightly close your eyes and chant. Say the following line over and over, “If I close my eyes and chant, you will go away.” You will be amazed at how well this works.]]]]> ]]>