If today is your birthday: One pill makes you bigger and one pill makes you smaller. If you take them both at the same time, will they cancel each other out?Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)You spend way too much time worrying about everybody else. Spend the day in the bathroom, surrounded by mirrors. Compliment each of yourselves.Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)Its time for a haircut. Either that or learn to speak wookie.Pisces (February 19 – March 20)Get in touch with your inner child. Jump in every puddle you see. In the absence of puddles, splash about in random birdbaths.Aries (March 21 – April 19)Your life’s work is almost complete. Now all you need is a harpist and a smooth talking narrator to tell everyone how superior you are.Taurus (April 20 – May 20)You will be walking along and it will hit you. We have no clue what it was, but its going to leave a mark.Gemini (May 21 – June 20)It’s all fun and games until someone goes running home to tell his mommy.Cancer (June 21 – July 22)A new study suggests a link between bathing and smelling better. Why don’t you test out the theory.Leo (July 23 – August 22)You are the smartest person we know. By you we mean somebody completely different.Virgo (August 23 – September 22)You will pour your heart out to a friend, who will respond, “Are you serious?” Tell them, “No, I enjoy making up painful tales of tragedy and woe.” Calmly walk away.Libra (September 23 – October 22)Today you are a bright, shinny, freshly waxed car. You will be on the hit-list of every bird and bug in a 50 mile radius.Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)Life is like a box of Valentine’s Chocolate. All the good ones are gone and the rest are missing chunks.Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)You will keep to yourself and be uber productive today. If coworkers come around trying to distract you, burst into tears and cry, “Can’t you people understand that I am contagious and I am only trying to protect you.”]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.