Horoscopes for February 26, 2011

If today is your birthday: You will have a bad case of doilooklikeigiveacrapidus. Symptoms include laying on the couch, flipping aimlessly through television channels, and urinating in an old mason jar. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) We know what you are thinking. It would never work. We come from different worlds. We will think of you fondly and write to you daily. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) If eating spinach makes you look like Popeye, you should settle for being your plain weak self. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) That is a marvelous idea! We sincerely doubt you can get the squirrels to go along, but a marvelous idea none the less. Aries (March 21 – April 19) How exactly did a pineapple come to be on the bottom of the sea? Taurus (April 20 – May 20) That is not a pimple. Its that tiny shred of sanity trying desperately to find a habitable place to survive. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Save those napkins, the kids used the last of the toilet paper. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) This is a great day to learn the fine art of bubble biting. Have the neighborhood kids all gather around and blow bubble while you try to bite them. The worse the taste, the better you are doing! Leo (July 23 – August 22) When was the last time you had your flabber gasted. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) It’s high time you acted your age. Now, put your bottle in the fridge and go to work. Libra (September 23 – October 22) If Rubber Maid and Stretch Armstrong had a baby, it would really bounce. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You will be caught off guard by a sudden craving for bananas. This probably means that you have contracted some rare monkey disease. Other symptoms include eating fleas and flinging poo. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) This is a test of the Emergency Horoscope System. Had this been a real emergency, we would have posted a 900 number and charged you $9.99 a minute.]]]]> ]]>