If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday. You get to be Ole King Cole today. Go ahead, call for your pipe, your bowl and fiddlers three.Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)Today will be enhanced for your viewing pleasure.Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)It would be a complete waste of time and energy to even think about getting out of bed today.Pisces (February 19 – March 20)You are going to burn a bunch of extra calories this afternoon. We are pretty sure that the neighbor’s super fast, drooling, growling mass of teeth just wants to be your friend.Aries (March 21 – April 19)Shooting your computer may not land you in prison for life, but you will probably be sued, by your coworkers, for mental distress and cleaning bills. Taurus (April 20 – May 20)We aren’t trying to tell you what to do… well actually, we are. You faked sick last week, you have to go to work today.Gemini (May 21 – June 20)Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there… with a 6 pack, the lost remote and a dozen wings.Cancer (June 21 – July 22)Thunder only happens when it’s raining, like today. Enjoy your day off.Leo (July 23 – August 22)We got you a present! Go down the road and take the first left. Then go down about a mile and turn at the German Shepherd. We are the third house on the left.Virgo (August 23 – September 22)If left unchecked, your mouth will work faster than your brain. This could lead to foot in mouth disease and a host of other ailments.Libra (September 23 – October 22)You will meet a nice young girl named Adrian. It will be the hardest thing you will ever do, but resist trying to impress her with you Rocky impersonation.Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)Both of your hands are full, the kids are screaming, your phone is ringing, your nose itches and you have a wedgie. It’s a great day to be you!Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)You will be driven half mad by an incessant buzzing. You will later realize that it was only Fernando, your imaginary friend, trying to get your attention. Aren’t you glad you aren’t going crazy.]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.