Horoscopes for February 4, 2011

If today is your birthday: You must remember to always be ready to have a spark of insanity, without fanning the flames of stupidity. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) There are small woodland creatures gathering outside your back door.  Do not be alarmed.  We told them to protect you.  You will need it today. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) The moon is on the horizon.  That’s astrology code for “You should wear a belt.” Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Clowns.  Really ugly, scary looking clowns.  With cigars and lollipops.   Not sure what that means… but that’s what we see. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Did you get that thing I sent ya? Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You have watched so much reality television, you actually think that the news is entertainment. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You are beginning to wonder if you will look like Steven Tyler when you get older.  Let’s hope not! Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Locking the keys outside of your car is impossible.  Pull on the shiny thing and get out of the car! Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will spend your free time devoted to solving the mystery of the seashells in Demolition Man. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The world seems a little bit brighter for a reason.  You forgot your sunglasses at the restaurant last night. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You will realize your ice addiction today when you try to eat the ice that has accumulated on your vehicle. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) What walks, looks, and talks like a duck probably isn’t a duck.  If it’s talking, it’s probably a guy in a suit! Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Sloppy Joe will join you in your battle against the evil Sweet Pea, Butter Bean and Liver & Onions.  Oh… wait… I just saw you dressed up in lunch lady clothes and heard the Adam Sandler song.  Go on with whatever it is that you were doing…   Disturbing…]]]]> ]]>