If today is your birthday: You will feel like an old version of windows on a cheap PC that is missing the ALT key.Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)That speck of dirt on the wall just moved. Just thought you’d like to know.Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)You should keep your drunk friends away from the zoo; she may mistake a rhino for a unicorn.Pisces (February 19 – March 20)The force is strong with you, but the dark side has candy.Aries (March 21 – April 19)There is not an app to turn your phone into a taser.Taurus (April 20 – May 20)This horoscope is FREE! (Offer not valid in RI, MA, or NY)Gemini (May 21 – June 20)You should at least listen to the voices in your head, they may have some good ideas.Cancer (June 21 – July 22)The bald guy at work loves it when you rub his head.Leo (July 23 – August 22)Women everywhere will crown you the leader of the world if you invent a ‘fold’ cycle for the dryer.Virgo (August 23 – September 22)So, what are we doing today, Brain?Libra (September 23 – October 22)You should spend the day in front of the mirror trying to catch yourself blinking.Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)Wear camo today. When you say something dumb, noone will see that it was you.Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)Spend the day pondering this: How come evaporated milk isn’t just an empty can.]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.