Horoscopes for January 14

It’s your birthday… You should take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror, if you see nothing, you should be open to the possibility that you are a vampire. Avoid silver bullets. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Everything is sunshine and lollipops for you today. Beware of those wanting free licks. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) All day long, you’ll be plagued by the sudden thought, “Did I leave the gas on?” Even though your apartment is totally electric. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Use extra dryer sheets or you’ll walk around with a sock stuck to your butt all day. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Today’s weather will strike you especially hard. The wild will seem to cut straight through you. Oh, wait, go home and put on pants. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The rats have stared deeply into the crystal ball and see only darkness, we’re practically sure this isn’t a bad omen or anything. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You are feeling young and spry today. Offer all those around you piggy back rides. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You’ll get amazing news today and will be motivated to raise the roof. Don’t forget to wear deodorant. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Just when you think your luck is about to turn a corner, kittens will puke on everything you love. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Today is the day that the parking laws will finally be enforced! Guess who’s double parked. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You’re good at putting your foot in your mouth, good thing there’s plenty of room. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Start going to the gym today to look your best. Or just pay 150 bucks for Photoshop and send pictures! Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You should take extra valium before leaving home today. The streets are Bubba-heavy today.  ]]]]> ]]>