Horoscopes for January 20, 2011

If today is your birthday: You will spend all day searching for an actual word that rhymes with purple. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You will realize that life resembles a really bad spin off of a horrible sitcom. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Being rocked to sleep is not the same as stoned to death. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You will feel no pain today, only intense pressure. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Mariachi bands will follow you everywhere you go. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will feel like you are trapped in a “Bing” commercial all day. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The winds of time are changing. Stand up-wind. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The mice have amazing news for you today. They aren’t sharing, however. Leo (July 23 – August 22) If you had bought a lottery ticket last week you would have won. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Don’t kiss the dog. Did you really think there was a magic cat litter box cleaning farie? Libra (September 23 – October 22) True happiness comes from chewing stuffed animals. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Look up! It’s a plane. It’s a bird. Duck, it’s coming right for you. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You will be awakened by strange lights. Just close the refrigerator and go back to bed.]]]]> ]]>