If today is your birthday: You will not be able to get over the feeling that the toilet paper got stuck on your shoe when you used the bathroom at lunch.Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)Your boss will not buy your claim that your eyes were closed because your were “lost in thought.”Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)You will finally nail the solo to “Freebird” on Guitar Hero, then your power will be interrupted and there will be no proof.Pisces (February 19 – March 20)You will drive aimlessly through town trying to remember why you left your house.Aries (March 21 – April 19)Sometimes you are one of the most brilliant and creative people in the world – this isn’t one of them. Taurus (April 20 – May 20)The words to describe your lot in life elude even me. Don’t give up, the fine young men in those clean white coats have not shown up… yet.Gemini (May 21 – June 20)You found out…. but can you guess what it is?Cancer (June 21 – July 22)You will be haunted by imagery from your childhood. Not to worry, it’s just nursery rhymes.Leo (July 23 – August 22)Good news! You do NOT have dandruff. Bad news… that itchy scalp is caused by fleas.Virgo (August 23 – September 22)The lottery is within your grasp, or at least was until you washed the ticket.Libra (September 23 – October 22)You will be the only one in town who knows that it’s Thomas Crapper Day… really, it is. Celebrate! Have a seat!Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)Be careful while driving. You will finally get the joke you heard yesterday and erupt with laughter!Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)The ants go marching one by one… to your bed. You’ve gotta quit having that midnight snack…. hurrah, hurrah!]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.