Horoscopes for January 29, 2011

If today is your birthday: There are strange things afoot.  Go find a phone booth and press *41, then wait for instructions. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Beware of the “Eskimo Pie Headache” at lunch today.  Eat your ice cream slowly. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Live dangerously… but don’t play in traffic AND run with scissors…  that’s just pushing your luck! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Becoming “ENLIGHTENED” is not accomplished by sticking your finger in a light socket. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Nope. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. REALLY.  Today just doesn’t tell me anything for you.  The clouds rolled in and the stars went away.  Come back tomorrow…. maybe things will be clearer. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) It wasn’t laryngitis… there was truly nothing there!!! (See yesterday’s horoscope if you have any questions… we know you do.) Gemini (May 21 – June 20) This is not what you’re supposed to be doing right now.  Wait five minutes then hit “Refresh.” Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The pen may be mightier than the sword, but who carries swords anymore! Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will finally come to the realization that fortune cookies are not anywhere near as good as they used to be. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Show your love today.  HEY… PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON! Libra (September 23 – October 22) The power of the sun is great… too bad your sunscreen isn’t as powerful. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Avoid cameras at all costs today.  Trust us, your hair is doing that “thing.” Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You will be visited by the ghost of Christmas past… AKA… your credit card bill.]]]]> ]]>