Horoscopes for July 1, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  You will finally find a way to win your battle with weight… right after you devour that huge piece of cake and the quart of ice cream.  Weigh to go! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Despite your best efforts to become a very influential person, you will be largely ignored! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You’ve been able to accomplish a great deal of things in your life, but today’s tasks will push you to your breaking point.  You will fail miserably… why even try?!? Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You will be devastated when you discover that you’ve been cut off from the rest of the pizza delivery world!  No more extra cheese for you! Aries (March 21 – April 19) A small army of ants have begun constructing their own version of Angkor Wat in that rarely used closet of yours Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Today will be the day that you will dig through and find your cleanest dirty shirt.  We’re staying away from you! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You have the perfect sign… especially considering the emergence of that new personality you never knew existed! Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The testimony in the Casey Anthony trial has pushed you to the edge and made you realize that you have surrounded yourself with sociopaths. Leo (July 23 – August 22) The way things are going, your relationship should be over by 5. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You will soon meet a very bright and articulate person who will be extremely interested in you, but beware…. anything you say can, and will, be used against you. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Face the facts.  Your lifestyle is not conducive to logical thinking and that’s the reason that you keep making all the wrong decisions! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Luckily, you aren’t the kind of person who minds a little heat.  That will come in handy when your air conditioner blows out today.  Happy July 1st. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Carry a napkin with you.  You will develop a severe case of overactive salivary glands when you lay eyes on your lunchtime server.  You won’t have a napkin on the table when you get there… that could be a clue that you’re not gonna get the best service in the world!]]]]> ]]>