Horoscopes for July 12, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! You will (unwittingly) let everyone at your party know about your unhealthy fixation on Topher Grace. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You will be saddled with a nickname that you absolutely hate.  Deal with it! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) If today is the worst day of the week, consider yourself lucky! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You will realize that the victories and losses of your favorite sports team have absolutely no effect on your life. Aries (March 21 – April 19) This day will feel lots like yesterday, only worse! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) A friend will leave dirty dishes in your living room.  Try not to fly off the handle.  One’s lack of tidiness is not an excuse for aggravated assault. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your failure to align spirits with your soulmate and the blocking of open feelings with friends are harming the worldly cosmic balance with which your life must harmonize. In the future, try to avoid messages without any real content. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Your significant other has not complained about your putrid and pungent body odor for ten straight weeks.  It must be love!  YAY! Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will not be issued another horoscope until you eat (or dispose of) the Brussels Sprouts in your freezer. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You will have mixed feelings when you discover that your dog has learned how to drive to McDonalds and place his own order. Libra (September 23 – October 22) When it comes time to pay the piper, you will run away screaming and pulling your hair out. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Don’t make eye contact with anyone today.  It’s not a good day to antagonize people.  You know you’ve got beady little eyes. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You have been hallucinating lately.  Like that hottie would ever talk to you!  Do you need a tissue?]]]]> ]]>