Horoscopes for July 13, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Watching that re-run of Smokey and the Bandit has inspired you to attempt to recreate the notorious beer run. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You are contemplating standing in line for Harry Potter movie tickets.  You’re hesitant because you don’t want to be the only one there. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You will confess your sins today only to find out that it’s not a real traveling confessional, but a new reality TV production. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The call to share your message of love and inspiration will come today.  It’s best not to respond. Aries (March 21 – April 19) A phone psychic will tell you not to believe your horoscope this week, but don’t believe her. Psychics are hucksters whose fortune-telling is rooted in superstition, and who make a living telling the gullible what they want to hear. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Your family will attempt to have you committed when they learn that you are actually in love with your living room wall. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The government is now aware of your conspiracy theories and are making plans to make you a scapegoat in a huge scandal.  It’s time to “go dark.”  Begin Operation Impending Doom. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Your significant other has decided to join you in your mission to conserve water by not bathing.  We wonder how long this will last? Leo (July 23 – August 22) Your failure to do something about those frozen sprouts has, not only, deprived you of your horoscope, but thousands of other Leo’s as well.  They will soon find out who you are and proceed to take action against you.  Go ahead and eat them already. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Though the incessant stream of infomercials continually irritate you, you have not gotten up to change the channel since you lost the remote control. Libra (September 23 – October 22) A flat-tire you had 16 years ago on Nine-Mile Cutoff will come back to haunt you when you grab hold of a tire iron.  You will begin to wonder what really happened that night. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Your quest to avoid liquid soaps will come to an end today when you are forced to wash your hands at a local eatery. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You will begin a path to a new life today.   You will witness a horrendous crime and will eventually wind up in the federal witness protection program… if you can avoid being discovered by the bad guys!]]]]> ]]>