Horoscopes for July 14, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Time to fire off all the left over fireworks from the Fourth of July!  Try not doing so indoors this year! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) There is no line outside of the mall anymore!  Go get your tickets! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You may want to consider life at a commune of some sort… as long as it’s not a nudist commune… they don’t need to see all that. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Your cockamamie theory that the Minoan civilization died out because their leaders got into a fight over a piece of meat gains ground today when archaeologists discover more than a few bodies buried in a mass grave.  All of the bodies seem to have been impaled upon the bones of a goat. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Don’t believe everything you read… that is unless all you read is the horoscopes on VicksburgDailyNews.com, then believe every word of it! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Your family decided that you should remain free to live your life – even if that means that they have to put up with you making out with that wall.  The real truth of it is: They found out that the insane asylum no longer gives you $13 and a tank of gas when you drive someone over to be committed. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You are beginning to develop a strange affinity for hairless cats.  We’re not sure that we like that. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You are torn in two different directions today.  You will be asked to have your naked silhouette cast in chrome and become a new line of trucker mud flaps.  You will wonder if it’s worth the money if anyone actually recognizes that it’s you.  Do the world a favor.  Turn the offer down. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Okay.  We’re giving up on the sprouts.  We don’t eat them either, but it does beg the question as to why there is a package of them in your freezer…  Oh… your horoscope.  It’s gonna be a miserably hot day outside with barely tolerable humidity levels.  You will sweat through your shirt before lunch.  Better take a spare and more anti-perspirant.  You don’t want to have sweaty pits all day long. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The batteries need replacing in your video game controller. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You just figured out that the song says “Blinded by the light, wound up like a deuce.”  You feel stupid for singing the lyrics the way you did all those years.  And by the way…. Jimi Hendrix did not say “Excuse me while I kiss this guy!”  Moron. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Your co-workers will begin to call you “The Mighty Hunter” after you hit that nine point with your vehicle. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) A court ruling will have you banned from showing your face in public after sixteen mothers had to have their children treated for post traumatic stress disorder when they saw you and your display at the gas station.]]]]> ]]>