Horoscopes for July 15, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! You get to choose today. On everything! This is your opportunity to shine, don’t blow it by picking crappy food and a silly movie. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) The rate you are growing, you will have to develop new numbers to find the correct size. Just saying. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You will have a chance encounter with a man that will change your life. It will come with a hefty price tag, but your new nose will look great! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Most people are smart enough to get out of the rain on their own. You aren’t most people. Remember your umbrella. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Did you ever stop and think of all of the money you could save by moving back home with your parents? We’ll continue this conversation when you are done with your seizure. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Congratulations! You win a new toaster oven! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) We are sorry to inform you that you that due to budget constraints, your horoscope is just a repeat from yesterday. We would write it all out all over again, but figure you know full well how to work the computer enough to find it on your own. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You are having second thoughts on the decision you made yesterday. Waffling is not allowed. Suck it up and go with your first instinct. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Thinking like that is counter productive. You have to change your way of thinking to ever succeed. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Finding a four leaf clover is no guarantee of good luck. You have to find enough to make a bracelet or a necklace would be even better. Inflation is a real pain. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Remember the Alamo. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Weird happenings will surround you all day. You will not even notice, because your inherent weirdness will make you immune. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) A small object will appear overhead. As it grows closer, it gets larger. It’s just your luck to be struck in the head by the first meteorite to land in Vicksburg. We will remember this day fondly.]]]]> ]]>