Horoscopes for July 16, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Thank your lucky stars! You will never be tecniquly be young again, but now you can fart in public without getting nasty stares! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Try not to blame yourself. You are completely to blame, but leave it up to everyone else to point that part out. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) It’s Cow Appreciation Day. Show your appreciation by eating a big fat juicy burger. No, it isn’t cheating on your diet, it’s a celebration! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Go the extra mile. Everyone will be thankful to be away from you anyway. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Join the crowd and wear clean clothes every day. We know this will be a huge adjustment, but with enough practice, anything is possible. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Shoulda. Woulda. Coulda. But you didn’t, now you can’t. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Hot dog night is not the appropriate place to practice for the Mustard Yellow Belt. Your new girlfriend’s parents may not be that supportive of competition eating. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Well, That was a really dumb idea. If you had waited and consulted us, we could have told you that beforehand. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Despite your best attempts, you have not gotten the attention of the new office hottie. Maybe barking when they walk by isn’t the exactly correct approach. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) We know that the neighbor kid’s Red Flier reminds you of your childhood, but when you start bullying the whole neighborhood into pushing you; that may go too far. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Today is not the day for that new tattoo. We know a giant flaming ice cream cone sounds good right now. We, however, think you should sleep on it. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Run for cover at the first sign of danger. Remember dynamite comes in small packages. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Never underestimate the power of little people. Your shins are more sensitive that you ever thought.]]]]> ]]>