Horoscopes for July 17, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! This is not your standard ordinary birthday, no way. This will be an Uber Super Duper Party till you pass out type of day! Hope you requested tomorrow off. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) No, you can not try to fly again. You just recovered from last time and you haven’t even begun to pay off the emergency room bill. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) No matter how much you try you can not escape the stigma of being a booger eater. It doesn’t matter that you were only 5. That’s what you get for not growing up and moving away from home. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Jump in head first. You can sort out the consequences later. Aries (March 21 – April 19) How can you think about food at a time like this. It is as if you are oblivious to the real situation. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Try not to think about how much you hate needles. We aren’t trying to say that you are going to come in contact with needles later, but we aren’t saying you won’t…do something incredibly stupid and BAM! Needles in your otherwise peaceful day. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You shouldn’t think that way. You know if she could do better, she would. Who are you to judge? Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Tiny ninja’s are working their way through your body, attacking your tinder parts, poking you with their tiny sabers. That’s the way it will feel anyway. Leo (July 23 – August 22) So what if you saved 15%, you are only going to blow the money on cheap liquor anyway. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You need to return the clothes you bought first thing this morning. Impulse buying is one thing, but whatever that thing is, it’s a whole other story all the way around. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Believe in the power of change. When you are this broke, that’s all there is to believe in. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Up and at em first thing today. No lolly gagging around. No, you do not have time to Google the word lolly gagging. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Rough waters lie ahead. Have your paddles ready. What? No paddles? Well, you know where that leaves you.]]]]> ]]>